November 9, 2016 [WASHINGTON, DC]- In a stunning turn of events, the United States voted in a historical national plebiscite to return to British rule Wednesday after historically low turnout in the 2016 Presidential Election. Both candidates received zero votes after they even refused to vote for themselves. Said the candidates in a joint press conference, "We realized we are nowhere near presidential enough to hold an office once graced by men like Washington, Franklin, Lincoln, or Richard Nixon. Our bad."
"Our nation has sent a defining message," said one political analyst. "We tried taxation with representation for 200-some years and it clearly has not worked out," later adding "God save the Queen".
In an act of contrition, the Former Colonies shipped 13 tons of Earl Grey tea to Buckingham Palace aboard a freighter carrying a banner reading "Please take us back". Representatives of the Royal Family have so far refused to comment on the story, saying only "We just broke up with India a few years back- we're not really looking for a serious relationship right now".
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